Early on Sunday Morning

Today I'm sharing a past experience as it appears in my book, "The Heart of Domestic Abuse."

Early one Sunday morning I arrived at our newly formed church plant’s location to find an acquaintance of ours obviously troubled and waiting nervously at the door for someone, perhaps anyone, to arrive. Once inside she collapsed in my arms sobbing and speaking incoherently. After some time I was able to calm her down and she told me her story. After several months of heated encounters with her husband, the morning had erupted into violence. She described an altercation that included yelling, screaming, pushing, shoving, and threats ending with a shotgun in her face. I was shocked by what I was hearing, and even more shocked now as I recount my advice to her and the attitude under which I was operating at the time. Most disturbing was what my heart attitude revealed:  “I can’t deal with this right now,” I thought to myself, “I’m just not qualified to handle this. I’m trying to plant a church and this is not the kind of trouble we need.” To my great shame, I told this hurting woman that I had no expertise in this area, which at the time was accurate, and advised her to contact the police. We calmly talked about something or other for the next ten minutes while she composed herself. I made her promise me she would call the authorities and then showed her to the door. After all, I had a church service to perform and a young church plant to grow.

That morning, I preached to a small group of people about the power of the gospel to heal the brokenhearted, but nothing I could say would speak with greater authority or conviction than the hypocrisy I had just committed hours before.  As I spoke of being the hands and feet of Jesus to our community, a broken, battered person filled out paperwork against the man she loved, alone in a police station. 

I mention this story not to emphasize the ways in which I poorly responded to this woman’s needs, and they are numerous, but rather to illustrate how ill-prepared I was to address the problem. They do not cover this in most Bible colleges. Prior to my education in domestic violence intervention and prevention, I rarely thought of this incident. I believed I handled the situation as well as I could, and it never occurred to me how pervasive this problem really was in our community and churches. Domestic violence and the church has since become a common conversation I have with Christians and pastors across the country, and I find that many of the ways we have viewed and responded to domestic violence fall short.

"Domestic violence is a very complex, destructive reality in many Christian homes. Clergy have not always responded in helpful ways to domestic violence in the past, but this can change. Clergy have tremendous influence for healing and protection. If they educate themselves, have the courage to condemn domestic violence from the pulpit, and develop ministries for abuse victims and even for perpetrators, then the cycle of violence can be broken and the body of Christ can be a place of safety and divine healing."[1]

[1] Steven Tracy, Clergy Responses to Domestic Violence; Priscilla Papers Vol.21,No.2, Spring 2007

Taken from, "The Heart of Domestic Abuse; Gospel Solutions for Men Who Use Violence and Control in the Home." 

What can a healthy church provide victims of domestic abuse?

Today, I’ll attempt to highlight just a few things our churches can do for victims of domestic abuse. Before I offer suggestions we need to ask ourselves, are we approachable? Are we trustworthy? Are we safe? Does our preaching, teaching, and leadership communicate to those we serve that they can trust us with their stories, pain, and anger?

Suggestions:

1. Believe her: When a woman gathers the courage to tell her pastor what she is experiencing it is important that we believe her. Remember we are not gathering evidence for a court case; we are supporting a sister who is hurting. Belief validates her suffering and puts us in a position to help. My experience has informed me that we may be the first people to truly hear her story.                                              
2. Support her:

          A. When she is willing and able to walk through her pain in community, surround her with loving sisters who will comfort, pray for her, and hold her accountable to the process.

          B. Provide Biblical counsel which will include a process of healing and forgiveness in the context of safety. Ensure her that the church will not rush reconciliation but will promote her safety, while calling her husband to repentance, change, and accountability. While I know this will be a difficult subject for some churches, consider how your plan may include considerations for separation, and even divorce when necessary. 

         C. Consider meeting physical needs. For instance should we establish an emergency fund to help her and children if the abuser is unwilling to financially contribute? Should we establish safe houses within our congregations for temporary shelters? Are we prepared to offer rides or other services that may be needed?

        D. Confront the abuser: I believe the greatest means of serving victims is holding abusers accountable. WARNING. Unless you fear for her health or immediate safety and are taking her to a safe house, communicate to the victims your desires and intentions before you address her abuser. Articulate your plan and seek permission before hand. Confronting her abuser before she is safe may actually endanger her further. With that said, Here are a few suggestions based on an assumption that he is willing to change.

               -Make it very clear that abuse is sin and will not be tolerated. “We love you too much to allow you to continue down this destructive path.”

               -Contact and familiarize yourself with local domestic violence intervention programs or local counselors trained in domestic violence interventions beforehand and encourage him to seek help. Better yet, offer to go with him.

               -Provide a well-trained accountability group where men from the community are given permission to ask him about his behavior, challenge his beliefs, and pray for his transformation.

Great Week of Travel and Teaching

Trying to get back into the swing of things after a full week of traveling and teaching. I am so thankful to Dr. Kruger, Dr. Newheiser, and the folks at RTS Charlotte for the opportunity to teach both in a community-oriented lecture series, and in the Master of Arts in Christian Counseling classes, both were tremendous privileges. In addition I got a chance to reconnect with Jim and Caroline Newheiser and visit the Billy Graham Library. Wednesday I flew to Fort Worth, Texas were I participated in the Association of Biblical Counselors annual “Called To Counsel” conference. This year saw a new format which I believe could be a game-changer for the Biblical Counseling movement. If you’re familiar with the Biblical counseling tribe then you know our events tend to go one of three directions.

1. A specific topic in which a variety of speakers will weigh in on.

2. A specific path, such as foundational elements or advanced training, in which a variety of speakers will give you general information toward a goal like certification, or supervision.

3. A Pot-Luck of content in which a variety of speakers present a diverse array of topics, approaches, and methods.       

This year A.B.C. deviated from past models by offering specialized tracks based on counseling issues. So, participants shared in four plenary sessions on the broader category of counseling and then choose one of six specialized tracks to attend throughout the event.

Plenary Sessions Included

• Counsel from the Word with Dwayne Bond  

• Counsel at the Cross with Elyse Fitzpatrick

• Counsel to the Heart with John Henderson

• Counsel for God’s Glory with Chris Freeland

Track Options Included

• Introduction to Biblical Counseling

• Depression

• Domestic Abuse

• Addictions

• Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

• Equipping Counselors in the Church

I was so excited to participate in the domestic abuse track and to be partnered with two incredible people.

• Greg Wilson is a tremendous counselor who is highly invested in reducing violence against women and holding abusers accountable. He serves as a deacon at his church where he is developing policies and responses to domestic abuse. I believe Greg will soon be the “go-to” on church-based responses to domestic abuse.

• Kathy Haecker is also an outstanding counselor who served for fifteen as a victim advocate within law enforcement. Her passion and experience in the field combined with her deep love of the Scripture make her one of the most skilled and unique advocates I’ve ever worked with.   

Our time was divided into eight one-hour sessions. It was a challenge to decide what to include in our track but I believe that we delivered the most complete and nuanced training in the Biblical Counseling movement to date on the issue of domestic abuse. Our sessions broke down as follows.

1. What is Domestic Abuse with Chris Moles: I walked participants through an introduction to the week’s material by identifying what we were talking about and what we were unable to talk about. I also provided definitions, common elements, statistics, and key examples of abuse.

2. Theological Considerations: Greg helped us think through the necessity of developing a theology of oppression, recognizing the centrality of the image of God in this work, the dangerousness of hyper-headship/patriarchy, and the value of Biblical complimentarity.

3. Responding to Victims: Kathy reminded us that Jesus, himself, was a victim of family violence as his children tortured, and murdered him. She then carefully walked us through a relational, victim-centered, biblical approach to care. I have set through countless victim-care lectures in my time and this was, by far, the most complete and most beneficial I have heard.

4. Responding to the Perpetrator: Greg and I teamed up to deliver material on working with abusive and destructive men. We offered participants some foundational reminders as well as high profile case studies. Greg showed us the distinctions between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow and I walked us through a brief explanation of one the exercises I use.

5. Separation, Divorce, and Abuse: I have been asked many times to present on this topic but always refused. My thought was this should be addressed by a theologian, or scholar but the the team felt strongly that I could tackle this topic. I walked us through the common divorce Scriptures and built a cas for divorce as tool, given to men by God, for the protection of women.

6. Legal Issues: Kathy brought her law-enforcement experience to the table and gave clear, concise distinctions between criminal and civil domestic cases as well as tons of great resources. The church is often in the dark regarding social services and court restrictions. This session served us very well.

7. In Her Shoes: Those of us who have done this work within the larger culture may be familiar with the in her shoes experience but not so much within the church. In fact, I have participated in this exercise many times, but this was the first time I did it in a Christian settings. Participants spent the hour traveling to various stations as a victim of domestic violence. Character cards were distributed to each participant and they made choices which led them to new experiences. Some were injured (make-up), some burdened with baggage or children (bags of flour), and some died. This was an emotional and tremendously beneficial time.

8. Debrief: We concluded our time with a panel discussion about what we learned and experienced through session seven and how we can apply the lessons of the week.

I can’t say enough good things about this conference. Dr. Lelek and his team have brought a tremendous gift to Biblical Counseling world. If you are a Biblical Counselor and you are looking for a conference to attend, mark “Called to Counsel” on your calendar for 2019.  

The Trouble with Victims

This week we are sharing a post by our friend and PeaceWorks University Faculty member Joy Forrest in celebration of the release of her new book, "Called to Peace: A Survivor's Guide to Hope and Peace after Abuse." You can order your copy here CALLED TO PEACE

I lived over twenty-five years my life as a victim. From the time I was 14 until I was nearly 40 I was involved in an abusive relationship, and breaking free was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. During those tumultuous years, I lost nearly everything I owned and barely escaped with my life and my two girls. In the years that followed, I faced great financial loss, angry children, and continued threats on my life. I had nightmares, and found myself freaking out at things that had nothing to do with me. When I heard people around me complain about everyday struggles I wanted to laugh in their faces and say, “Are you kidding me?! That’s nothing!” I wanted the world to know that I had been wronged, and somehow come and make it right.

The odd thing is the more I complained, the less people wanted to listen. They seemed to alienate themselves from me, which made my situation even more miserable. I could have stayed in that pattern forever, but as I cried out to God I began to realize I would never be an overcomer until I dropped my victim mentality. I realized that people did not know how to handle the severity of my losses. I am sure it made them uncomfortable—perhaps even guilty that they had been blessed with an easier life. I realized that I needed to stop making my unfortunate past my identity, and made a decision to pour my complaints out to God rather than people. I chose to believe his promises towards me rather than my feelings. Although that decision did not immediately change my circumstances, it did make all the difference in the world. Today I am a victor rather than a victim, because I decided to believe him.

In the years since I transitioned from victim to victor, I have many opportunities to work with other victims. I have seen some apply themselves to the truths of God’s Word, and basically blossom before my very eyes. In those cases, it has truly been like watching butterflies come out of their cocoons. From all outward appearances their situations have seemed hopeless, but God has performed miracles for those who have learned to trust him. Trust like this involves a decision to believe God rather than emotions and past experience. I have never seen God disappoint those who have chosen to really trust him. The outcome has always been beautiful.

On the other hand, some of the women I have tried to help have refused to let go of that victim mentality. When I direct them to God’s promises, they give me a thousand reasons not to believe them. Their attitude reminds me of the man Jesus healed at the pool in Bethesda in John 5. Even though he stationed himself in the place where the angel stirred the water to be healed, he basically told Jesus it was impossible, because somebody always beat him to the water. He was full of bitterness and excuses. When Jesus healed him in spite of his negativity, he showed no joy, nor did he stop to thank Jesus. Instead, when the religious leaders rebuked him for carrying his pallet, he blamed Jesus. Jesus knew his heart and came to him later with a warning, “See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you” (5:14).  But he simply went out and reported Jesus to the leaders. Jesus set him free, but he chose to remain bitter.

That’s the problem with so many victims, they fail to see and appreciate God’s provision in their lives. Instead, they choose to remain bitter, and make excuses for hanging on to their anger. They basically cut themselves off from God’s blessings and blame everyone around them (even God) for their negative circumstances. I love to contrast the story of the man at the pool with the healing of the man born blind in John 9. When Jesus healed him his life was changed immediately. He became a believer, and was willing to profess his faith in spite of harsh opposition. As far as outward circumstances go, he probably fared worse than the man healed at the pool. Yet, he was filled with joy over what Jesus had done for him. Like King David (who spent years running for his life) he chose to praise God in the presence of his enemies rather than cling to bitterness.

The truth is that bad things happen in this world. Many of us end up at victims at some point, and it grieves God’s heart. We suffer unjustly and it isn’t fair, but God knows exactly how that feels (Heb. 4:15). Our God is a redeemer, and nothing is wasted when we know him. He can turn our mourning into dancing (Ps. 30:11), and use tribulation to mold us into the image of his son (Rom. 8:29). But in the midst of our troubles we must choose to trust him. We must choose to let go of the bitterness that poisons every relationship in our lives and keeps us in bondage (Heb. 12:15). The problem with victims is they are often not willing to make this choice. Instead, they hold tenaciously to their right to be miserable and angry, and unwittingly finish the job their enemies began.

Joy Forrest has been an advocate for victims of domestic violence since 1997. She holds an M.A. in Biblical Counseling from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary, and held the position of Community Educator for Safe Space Domestic Violence Services in Louisburg, NC from 2000-2001. She has served as a biblical counselor in church settings since 2004. Her own experiences as a former victim of domestic abuse, along with her involvement with Safe Space and church counseling, caused her to see a major need for churches to become better equipped to help families affected by DV. In January 2015, she helped establish Called to Peace Ministries to promote domestic violence awareness, particularly within the faith community. Joy is also a Certified Advocate with the NC Coalition Against Domestic Violence and the author of the book "Called to Peace." Learn more about Joy at www.calledtopeace.org