It is a BIG DEAL

Hello friends, before we jump into today’s post I wanted to let you know that I will be speaking this Thursday night February 15th at the Faith Biblical Counseling Training Conference on the topic of Domestic Abuse, How Can The Church Respond. This session will be available on Live Stream and you can join us by following the link below. 

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I hope you can join us. Now to today’s post.

Minimization

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” Galatians 6:7-8

Among the most common responses I hear when confronting a man about his abusive behavior is that of minimization. The goal is to soften the impact or severity of his behavior with excuses, rationale, or a dismissive attitude. The sentiment is that the events we are discussing are not as serious as they seem or that there is some kind of misunderstanding. In essence a reasonable person will see that what he has done is not that big of a deal. The result however of one’s consistent minimization is not that of removing attention but will in fact reveal your heart over time. You see with each attempt to reduce your responsibility, diminish the credibility of your partner’s concerns, and dismiss or deny the necessity of consequences you maximize your own self-importance. With each seed of minimization you sow the crop of pride continues to expand and a harvest of destruction is looming. I know you’re frustrated that others doubt you and that some even refer to you as smug or arrogant, but they do so because you are probably smug and arrogant. Your attempts to minimize your behaviors only draw our attention to the severity of those actions. The fact that you’ve hurt others is a real problem. It should not be easily swept away by minimizing the harm or ignoring the impact or potential damage you’ve caused. A major mistake that I have witnessed men make is diminishing the results of their abuse. Statements such as, “it’s not a big deal” or “this has been blown out of proportion” should be removed from your vocabulary in this instance. While guilt and the subsequent consequences of your sin are uncomfortable they are beneficial. It’s time you acknowledge the impact of your behavior. Is your spouse afraid of you? Are they always walking on eggshells? Are you reaping a harvest of destruction? Are you willing to take responsibility for these results?

Final Thought

Charles Spurgeon once said, “If your sin is small then your Savior will be small also. But if your sin is great, then your Savior must be great.” Let me encourage you to acknowledge and confess the severity or your sin.

“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.”                                                                                                            1John 1:8-10

The Worst Kind of Counselor

Today's post is from my friend Joy.  The original post can be found on her blog at Called to Peace Ministries.

Recently, I began reading the book of Job in my quiet time. I love so much about this book, but I always find myself wanting to fast forward all the well-meaning advice from Job’s friends.  Job’s friends’ counsel seems all too familiar to one who has lived through, and helped others escape, the horrors of domestic violence. It is so easy for one who has never suffered intensely to come up with godly sounding advice, and even to misapply perfectly good scripture in a way that implies the victim surely must have done something to bring on the trouble.

In his book Domestic Abuse, pastor and biblical counselor Chris Moles mentioned his experience of being invited to speak to a group of Christian women in a support group for domestic violence survivors. The thing that stood out to Chris as he listened to these ladies share their experiences was that nearly everyone of them had reached out to their churches for help after enduring years of controlling and violent behavior, and the result in the majority of cases was that the church counsel had eventually turned against them. 

This common scenario usually goes something like this. A woman musters up the courage to reach out to her pastor for help. Sometimes he believes her (although he thinks she’s probably exaggerating the severity), but often he doubts her story. After all, he knows her husband to be a godly man. He then goes to the husband to ask about his wife’s allegations. The abuser explains to the pastor just how absurd that is. He indicates that has tried to encourage his wife, but she is clearly unstable and responds to his support with disrespect.

Afterwards, this man goes home and scolds or threatens his wife for talking to the pastor. In some cases, the result might be physical harm. When the couple goes back to the pastor later for counseling, the wife is strangely silent or perhaps too emotional. When the pastor asks her to voice her concerns, she gives a briefer, sanitized version of her earlier account, or defers to her husband. The pastor then gives some advice about how they can improve their marriage, assigns some helpful reading, and closes with a prayer. The husband approves, thanks him for his time and assures him they will work on things. The wife leaves feeling completely dejected. Even though she is clearly a victim behind closed doors, the counseling session put equal or even more of the burden on her to change the situation. Hopelessness begins to set in. Like Job she knows that the counsel they received completely missed the heart of the problem.

Over the course of time, counsel like this ends up harming rather than helping to restore abusive marriages. No matter how much scripture is quoted or how much this wife works on herself, things will likely go from bad to worse. That is because the true problem is hidden. In Job’s case, nobody involved knew the interchange that had occurred between Satan and God. His friends, being good students of wisdom, naturally assumed that Job must bear some of the responsibility. Even though there was truth in their words, they did not see the whole picture, and unfairly accused him. In the end, God was angered with their charges against Job.

In my 18 years of working with abuse victims, I have witnessed modern versions of Job’s counselors multiple times. In fact, I’ve been one myself. Before my marriage failed, I operated under the faulty assumption that marriages failed because people didn’t try hard enough. When two of my own family members experienced divorce because of abuse, I secretly judged them in my heart. Surely, they could have done something to make it work. I was far more concerned for their marriages than their well-being. In the end, I applied the same sort of counsel to myself, and ended up working on my marriage until I nearly lost my life. One day as I was crying out to God and studying his Word, I realized he cared more about me that that that broken covenant. I understood that there’s no way one person can make a marriage work if the other isn’t willing. Like the Pharisees, I had elevated an institution over the people it was intended to bless. While they missed the point about the Sabbath, I missed it about marriage. I failed to understand the true source of the problem, and consequently did more harm than good.

The church is filled with well-intentioned counselors who are doing the same thing to victims of abuse. Women in these situations have come to me baffled and hurt when the tables have turned on them. Rather than getting help they got blamed. I fully understand why God aimed his wrath at Job’s friends. They assumed too much, blamed too quickly, and refused to believe Job’s pleas of innocence- even when their previous interactions with him supported his claims. They even used their knowledge of God against Job. Rather than trying to understand the whole story, they arrogantly assumed and placed the blame where it did not belong. They were in a position to love and support, but instead added insult to injury, and as a result became the worst kind of counselors.

Joy Forrest has been an advocate for victims of domestic violence since 1997. She holds an M.A. in Biblical Counseling from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary, and held the position of Community Educator for Safe Space Domestic Violence Services in Louisburg, NC from 2000-2001. She has served as a biblical counselor in church settings since 2004. Her own experiences as a former victim of domestic abuse, along with her involvement with Safe Space and church counseling, caused her to see a major need for churches to become better equipped to help families affected by DV. In January 2015, she helped establish Called to Peace Ministries to promote domestic violence awareness, particularly within the faith community. Joy is also a Certified Advocate with the NC Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Learn more about Joy at www.calledtopeace.org

Power

Power and control are central themes in addressing abuse. Abusers use power to gain or maintain control over their partners. Within the groups we lead, attempts are made regularly to facilitate discussion and reflection around men’s abuse of power in general and more specifically how individual members of our group have used power to control their partners. We highlight the impact of abuse, the motivation and the beliefs behind our behavior.

Power Over

“She just wouldn’t give in.”

“I had to get her under control before someone got hurt!”

“What was I supposed to do?”

Statements like these and many more are common among abusers and evidence the all or nothing thinking produced by lording power over others. When we exercise power over others we limit our options. The goal of power over is to remain in control and therefore narrows our thinking making it difficult, undesirable or perhaps most accurately unacceptable to consider any option that may diminish our power. This mentality denies feedback, isolates us and our loved ones, and for the Christian defies the very instruction of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Power Under

Inevitably destructive men who claim the name of Jesus will bring up key Bible passages which they feel support their position to “keep her in her place” or “take control of the situation.” The assumption is that if they are called to “lead” or to be the “head” then they must take control. While there is much that could be said about headship and submission I tend to begin by challenging the sinful approach of power over with the words of Jesus. When Jesus was asked about the role of power in the life of a believer he spoke clearly and effectively.  Regarding positions of power Jesus said,

“You know that the rulers in this world lord it over their people, and officials flaunt their authority over them.  But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must become your slave. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:25-28

But among you it will be different. There doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of wiggle room here. When it comes to authority and power the world presses down, restricts, dominates, controls, subdues, and believers are to have no part of it; we are instead to serve. When the world demeans, we empower, when they control, we promote freedom, when they act superior we practice humility, when they reject accountability we submit. The bottom line is that we are different. A husband who lords abusive power over his wife is living inconsistent with the clear teaching of Jesus and it is safe to say that he serves someone or something other than the Savior. The heart of pride longs for power over, but the heart of Christ calls for power under.

“With great power comes great responsibility.” –Uncle Ben from Spiderman

I know that power is a reality in the world we live. Generally speaking men are bigger, stronger, and faster than women. Whether we believe it is fair or just, men still hold a great deal of power socially, politically, and in most arenas of life. The question is how will we respond to this power? We as men can continue living in privilege with little or no thought to its impact on women or we can take responsibility, using our power and influence to serve and empower others. The more we practice power under by embracing humility, receiving feedback and criticism well, and recognizing others as more important than ourselves (Philippians 2:3) the more, I believe, we’ll promote a new paradigm of power under.

Peace

Am I Really Forgiven?

Today's post is by my friend Bev Moore.

Jill thought for a long time about God’s forgiveness. She had spent so many years dealing with feelings of condemnation and guilt.  What she was experiencing now seemed like a dream—something too good to be true. She was nervous that something was going to go wrong, or that maybe God was waiting to heap on the guilt the next time she messed up.

Many of our counselees can identify with Jill.  When they are introduced to the gospel—that they can be forgiven by God’s grace—it’s almost more than they can believe.  But by God’s grace they do believe!  Yet sometimes they feel uneasy but they’re not quite sure why.

One thing that really helped Jill was reading how Jesus demonstrated His love for a woman who desperately needed His forgiveness. It wasn’t hard for Jill to identify with the woman in this story. Jill got to see the love and compassion Jesus freely gave to someone like her.

It’s the beautiful story found in Luke 7:36-50 where Jesus was invited to dinner at the home of a Pharisee named Simon. While there a woman who had lived a sinful life came to the house with an alabaster jar of perfume and she wet Jesus’ feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. She kissed His feet and anointed them with the perfume. Simon was repulsed by what he saw and couldn’t believe Jesus could allow Himself to be touched by this “sinner.”  

Jesus knew what Simon was thinking and told him a story involving a moneylender and two men that owed him money and how the moneylender forgave both debts.  Jesus asked Simon which man he thought would love the moneylender more. Simon knew that the man with the bigger debt canceled would love the moneylender more. Here is how the rest of this scene played out:

“You have judged correctly,” Jesus said. Then He turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give Me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give Me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.” Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” The other guests began to say among themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?” Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.” (Luke 7:43-50)

What a striking contrast between two people—a Pharisee, who placed his faith in his own self-righteousness and goodness, who erroneously believed he had a very small debt he owed to God, and believed he could earn God’s favor by keeping the rules. And a woman who knew she had a huge debt she owed to God and she could never even begin to repay Him, but who put her faith in Jesus. This woman was well aware of her guilt and her need for forgiveness. She knew she had to come to Jesus for the forgiveness she desperately wanted and needed.

For some, believing that God will forgive every sin is difficult to accept as true. Why? Here are several reasons to consider:

• We doubt that God will ever accept us after what we’ve done. We think that our sin is too big or too awful for God to forgive.

• We continually repeat our sin, feeling trapped in a never-ending cycle of defeat and despair.

• We fail to grasp the holiness of God and His hatred of sin so we fail to see our sin as a direct offense against God.

• We attempt to establish our own standard of righteousness and feel defeated and unforgiveable when our performance doesn’t measure up to our satisfaction.

• We fail to grasp the depth of God’s forgiving grace through the sacrifice of His Son’s life.

Jill was grateful for God’s forgiveness, but wrestled with this thought: “I just can’t forgive myself for the things I’ve done.” Very often we feel regret, shame, and condemnation for the things we’ve done that have caused us and others pain and heartache. It feels like we need to forgive ourselves, but it’s a misconception that we have wronged ourselves. Our sin is against God (and possibly others), and it’s His forgiveness that we need. We may feel the need to forgive ourselves so that we can feel better about ourselves, but nowhere in Scripture are we commanded to do this. Forgiveness was purchased for us at the cross because ultimately our sin is against God.

In order to get past the regret we have regarding our sin, we have to keep our heart and mind focused on the cross and what Jesus did for us there. When the devil wants to remind us of battles lost and tries to rub our noses in our failures, we can confidently say to him, “I am worse than you think, but I have a GREAT BIG GOD who is bigger than all my sin. He has washed me and made me whiter than snow through the blood of Jesus Christ!”

But what if I don’t feel forgiven?  Forgiveness is a fact, just like guilt is a fact. I don’t always feel guilt when I am guilty, nor will I always feel forgiven when I confess my sin to God and He forgives me. There may be residual regret and possibly painful consequences that are reminders of our sin. But we have to focus on the truth of God’s Word: if we confess our sin, God is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we base our forgiveness on feelings, what does that say about what Christ has done for us? Could we be saying that not only did He have to die for our sin, but now He has to give us the feelings we desire in order to believe and/or feel we are forgiven? Are we saying that what He has already done was not enough? We can certainly spend a lot of time trying to feel good about ourselves, but that should not be the goal. We are to humbly live by faith in the truth, not faith in our feelings!  

We have to help our counselees focus on God’s Word and pray that the Holy Spirit will renew their minds with the truth so that they can walk in the light and in the precious freedom of God’s forgiveness.

Bev Moore (M.A.B.C.) is on the counseling staff at Faith Church in Lafayette, IN. She is married to George and they have two grown sons. She co-authored In the Aftermath: Past the Pain of Childhood Sexual Abuse.