Discovering Her Journey - Validating Her Pain

Today's post is written by my friend Evelyn Colon. Evelyn is a facilitator, trainer, and ICDVP with FOCUS ministries. You can learn more about FOCUS ministries at www.focusministries1.org

As she sat down she was noticeably anxious.  Her heart was pounding, her breathing was erratic, and she was visibly shaking.  Thinking she needed a minute to gather herself, I asked her if she needed a drink.  That’s when she tearfully launched into a vivid description of what “he” did to her. 

Two days prior her husband had “gone off.”  “He grabbed me by the neck and choked me until I couldn’t breathe anymore,” she cried.  “I passed out.  Just look at me.”  The bruises looked like two thumb prints and multiple fingers that had reached around to the back of her throat.  “Tim, I couldn’t breathe.”   

She wasn’t remembering the incident; she was reliving it in front of me.  In the world of counseling, we call this trauma.1

When you hear the cry of the broken and hurting, how do you respond?  Are you compelled to turn compassion into action?  Or perhaps you’re too busy to get involved in messy situations where you may be asked to trade your comfort for other peoples’ lives – people like Bethany and Bill.

When Bethany married her high school sweetheart, Bill, she trusted him completely, looking to him as the spiritual leader of their home.  Bill was charming and likeable.  As the son of a missionary pastor, he knew the Bible from cover to cover.

Although Bill and Bethany appeared to be a loving couple at church on Sundays, behind closed doors he was a batterer who controlled and assaulted Bethany with caustic words and closed fists.  The man with whom she had chosen to spend the rest of her life threatened her with guns and knives.  For thirteen years she endured verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, and physical abuse.  Bethany represents 31 % of all married women who will experience physical violence in their marriage.2

By the time Bethany arrives in your office, she has become emotionally numb.  She appears to be in suspended animation, convinced by her abuser that she is a total failure needing to be “fixed.”  Life seems meaningless and hopeless.  Through years of verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual assaults, Bethany has experienced death -- death of her dreams, death of her future, death of herself.

She does not reach out to others for fear of not being believed and to protect the reputation of her husband.  She wonders if God really cares, and if the Lord does care, whether he really has the power to change things.

YOUR RESPONSE

As her pastoral counselor (advocate), how will you breathe life into Bethany’s soul?  Your counsel will either keep her in bondage or provide options that lead to spiritual and emotional freedom to become the woman God had in mind when she was created.  (Eph. 1:5,6; Eph. 2:1)

Below are three scenarios describing a possible response to Bethany’s initial visit.  Which one best describes how you would handle this difficult situation?

Response 1: Get Both Sides.

• Because you have known Bill for many years, you have trouble believing he is capable of doing the things Bethany has described.  You call Bill later today to get his side of the story.  Thinking Bethany may be overly sensitive or suffering from an emotional breakdown, you feel it is in the best interests of the church to ask her to step down from her teaching position in children’s church.  Doing so will allow her to focus on her marriage.  You explain and perhaps identify a time when she and Bill can meet with you together?

Response 2: Prioritize the Marriage – Starting with her

• Perhaps you believe your primary goal is to help couples reconcile. You outline a course of action for Bethany – encouraging her to work on her unforgiving attitude and offering tips how to avoid pushing Bill’s buttons.  You recommend weekly counseling sessions with the couple and give Bethany a brochure about a weekend marriage retreat where the couple can reconnect.  Then you pray with her to heal the marriage and to give her strength to work harder on changing her own behavior.

Response 3:  Secure Her Safety First

• After Bethany shares her story, you assume she is telling the truth and ask strategic questions to determine her level of safety.  You offer several options and wait for her response.  If she is in imminent danger and willing to accept help, you take immediate action to provide shelter by placing her in a safe home, a hotel, or the local women’s domestic violence shelter or a church or agency that will respond immediately to meet her needs.  You also offer her your support if she chooses to contact law enforcement or seek legal advice from an attorney.

Reflecting Jesus

Which scenario reflects Jesus as he stood and read: “The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.  He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor” (Luke 4:18-19 NIV).

Regardless of the scenario you choose, the first step is to listen without judgment to the victim’s story and then to validate her pain. It is important to clearly communicate that God does not condone abuse, that the Lord wants us to be safe.  Even if you wonder about the accuracy of her story, the most important responsibility is to focus on what Bethany is telling you.  Stay alert for signs of abuse as her story unfolds.3

What Jesus are you introducing to this victim?  Is it the Jesus of compassion that is exhibited throughout Scriptures?  “In you, LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness” (Ps. 31:1).  “You, Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry” (Ps. 10:17).  

I would have given anything to hear these words of affirmation that I am loved by the King and as the body of Christ they will surround me with love, hope and assurance to understand my need and more importantly, to validate my pain. But instead, the Elders of the church called me in for three meetings, felt led to give me a five-inch binder of prayers for the next 365 days, with a follow-up call that I was removed as a ministry leader. 

In hindsight, I believe they thought in their hearts they were doing the right thing…but instead, it completely re-victimized me.

1.Dr. Tim Clinton, President, American Association of Christian Counselors, Author of Turn Your Life Around; Breaking Free from Your Past to a new and Better You;

2.Katherine Scott Collins, Cathy Schoen, Susan Joseph, et al, Health Concerns Across a Women’s Lifespan; 1998 Survey of Women’s Health, The Commonwealth fund, May 1999.

3.Brenda Branson/Paula Silva, Violence Among Us Ministry to Families in Crisis, 2007

Evelyn Colon is a Illinois Certified Domestic Violence Professional, since 2011 and Abuser Intervention Facilitator since 2012, She has volunteered as a Hot Line Domestic Violence Advocate for a western suburb domestic violence shelter for women in 2009-10. Evelyn joined FOCUS in 2007 as a leader and facilitator for FOCUS Support Group Ministry. Since then, she has founded a Women’s Ministry on Domestic Violence and has been hosting monthly meetings out of her home to keep the victims. She has also created and hosted several successful seminars and conferences where she was presented an Honorary Award in giving back to the community. Evelyn has a heart for hurting women and has ministered to those women in the Christian community that have experienced domestic violence and abuse. She is also a trainer at Partners in the Journey seminar, training for Faith Base Domestic Violence. In 1990, Evelyn was an active volunteer as a Rape Victim Advocate in the medical field.

How can I prove to my wife/girlfriend that I won't abuse her again?

Today's post is part two in a series by counselor Allison Stevens. Read part one here.

We must be careful not to make sweeping promises never to abuse our partners again. When we do that, it puts the focus and pressure on your partner and the relationship instead of keeping it on you and doing the work of recovery for yourself.

The first step of doing the work of healing and recovery for yourself means that you can admit that your actions have been abusive. Have you acknowledged to yourself and to your wife/girlfriend that you’ve been physically abusive? Have you admitted to her that the pattern of calling her names, putting her down, trivializing her feelings and guilting her into doing things she doesn’t want to do have been emotional and verbal abuse? Have you apologized for the unwanted sexual advances, telling her no one else would ever love her? These are just a few examples of abusive behaviors in which you may have participated. It’s important, for the restoration of your heart, soul, and mind, to identify abusive attitudes and behaviors and admit them to yourself and to your partner.

Second, are you consistently seeking professional help from a trained therapist in domestic abuse? A therapist can help you identify abusive attitudes and behaviors, help you see the difference between relationships built on power and control and relationships built on equality, and show you how to develop empathy for your wife and children. Seeking help from a professional puts the focus back on you, which is where it needs to be, not on your spouse or girlfriend. An abuser, like most of us, cannot address his issues alone; he must avail himself to a therapist experienced in domestic abuse.

Third, support her decision to be safe. A separation is important so that you understand that she will not tolerate the kind of treatment you’ve given her and that you need help. Some husbands make it difficult for their wives to stick it out because they beg, plead, argue, and demand them to come home too early. They call the pastor and tell him that his wife is out of the “will of God” by not submitting to his “authority” by coming back to him. After all, the husband reasons, he’s remorseful, he’s come before the church, and now he’s ready to be a better husband. Unfortunately, I’ve seen some pastors and therapists fall for this manipulative strategy and join the abuser to put more weight on the wife to get back home before it’s time. Rushing the process of growth and healing is a sure sign that the abusive husband is indeed not interested in true growth or healing.

Any manipulation to get your wife back home or to let you come home too soon is a serious warning that you’re remaining in a place of power and trying to control her and the situation, instead of treating her with mutual equality, love and respect.

It will take a significant amount of time for you to address the reasons why you relate to your partner abusively. The road to wholeness requires that you stop making empty promises that puts pressure and focus on your spouse. Instead, focus on your healing by admitting that you’ve been abusive, get professional help, and support your partner’s decisions towards safety in herlife and relationships.

A Word To Men Who Abuse

There is a section of the West Point cadet prayer that I recite in our classes occasionally and perhaps it will be a help to you today, “Make us to choose the harder right instead of the easier wrong, and never be content with a half-truth when the whole can be won.” I know you want me to understand your point of view. I’m sure you’re desperate to have someone hear ‘your’ side of the story, but I want to challenge you to slow down for a few moments, to listen and choose the more difficult but rewarding road of responsibility. If you’ve been confronted for your behavior I know the temptation is to throw out the thousand and one excuses for what you’ve done, but that’s not going to help you and only adds to your partner’s suffering. I want to challenge you to take a break from defending your position and acknowledge a simple truth. Your behavior, attitude, words, and/or motives have hurt your spouse. True transformation requires accepting responsibility for you alone without the clutter of excuses, or justifications. Let’s begin by putting aside the tactics that tend to trap us in the way of easy wrongs. This may be hard to hear and you may find it difficult or painful to look in the mirror, but if you stick with it and take these words to heart there is hope. No, taking responsibility will not fully restore what’s been broken, it will not get you what you want and may in fact be painful, but it can be a step in restoring your soul, and possibly your relationship with God.

Final Thought:

After David’s sexual assault of Bathsheba and subsequent murder of Uriah it was the sharp words of a friend who was willing to say, “Thou art the man!” that pointed David down the difficult road of admitting his sin, the harsh reality of the consequences he’d created and finally a spirit of humility. It was in that spirit that he penned these words in response, “For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.  Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight; so you are right in your verdict and justified when you judge.” I pray you’ll choose the more difficult right today by accepting responsibility.

Peace, Chris

How will I know if my abusive husband won't abuse me again?

Today's post is part one in a two part series by counselor Allison Stevens. 

Unfortunately, there are no guarantees he won’t abuse you again. If your husband has physically harmed you, and/or had a pattern of verbal, emotional, or mental abuse, you are not obligated to stay with him as his wife. Physical and emotional safety are foundational in marriage; without it you don’t have a marriage, you’re in a prison and you’re the prisoner. No one should judge you if you can’t continue in this earthly hell and end your marriage.

But if you’ve decided, for your own reasons, to try and make the marriage work, and you’re safe from your abusive husband and he’s getting help from a therapist who’s trained in domestic violence issues, and you are making this decision on your own (no one has pressured you to stay in this marriage), then there is an important clue you should look for to know that your husband is making progress and is less likely to hurt you again in those ways.

You will see that he supports your decision to be safe. He won’t burden you with guilt to come back home to “get the family back together” before you’re ready or before he’s ready to have you back. Some husbands make it difficult for their wives to stick it out because they beg, plead, argue, and demand them to come home too early. They call the pastor and tell him that his wife is out of the “will of God” by not submitting to his “authority” by coming back to him. After all, the husband reasons, he’s remorseful, he’s come before the church, and now he’s ready to be a better husband. Unfortunately, I’ve seen some pastors and therapists fall for this manipulative strategy and join the abuser to put more weight on the wife to get back home before it’s time. Rushing the process of growth and healing is a sure sign that the abusive husband is indeed not interested in true growth or healing.

Any manipulation to get you back home or to let him come home too soon is a serious warning that he is remaining in a place of power and control over you. He’s operating out of inequality instead of mutual equality, love and respect for you. He is nowhere near ready to restore your marriage. And if you are extremely tempted by his cries for help, you are not ready to put your marriage together again. You also have more work to do on yourself.

The decision to stay in and work on an abusive marriage is a serious one and shouldn’t be taken lightly. One must realize that it is a long road to recovery; it will take a significant amount of time for the abuser to address his issues that cause him to relate to you from a place of power instead of love. And one of the best markers that he’s on the road to wholeness is that he is supportive of your decision to separate until you’ve both experienced a level of health and healing that will ensure the greatest level of safety in your relationship.