A Call to Pastors
There are many things I’d like to share with pastors regarding the dynamics and impact of abuse. The most pressing and possibly most vital area of understanding is the centrality of power and control in abusive behavior. While abuse takes many forms, the motivation and means rarely change. Abuse is one person exercising power and control over his/her spouse. As I work with abusive men, one primary goal is to uncover their motivation. To do this we ask many “what” questions of their abusive behavior such as…
§ What did you want to see happen?
§ What did you want your partner to do?
§ What did you want your partner to stop doing?
§ What did you hope to gain from this behavior?
I avoid using why questions because they rarely get to the heart and allow the individual more room to shift blame.
Q: Why did you do that?
A: Because she…
Uncovering patterns of motivation will reveal the heart of abuse. We can expect “getting my way” often to be the motivation; to gain or maintain control.
In addition to gaining or maintaining control we should expect the use of power. They will be leveraging some aspect of force to get what they want. For some this power will be physical force. For others it may include intimidation, threats, demeaning words, economic security, or any other means used to control and get their way. I just recently spoke with a man who used the fact that the house was in his name to subtly suggest\threaten that he would kick her out if he didn’t get what he wanted. We often refer to abusive behavior as tactics because they are rarely tied to a specific activity. These tactics are tied to the abusers’ desired result, not to being provoked by stress, but to getting their way. For instance, if an abusive husband is confronted regarding his physical violence, he may conform to applied pressure and end his use of violence. This does not mean his heart has changed. In fact he may simply resort to new, less violent, but still abusive, behaviors to achieve the same results and get his way at the expense of his wife’s sense of security and well-being. The dynamics of power and control are central to abusive behavior. It is not simply a matter of incessant “button pushing” frustration, substances, or uncontrolled anger. It is important that we as pastors recognize and expose these dynamics when coming alongside those we are called to minister to.
What do you think?
Would knowing the dynamics of abuse impact how you address those who come to you for help? Have you approached a pastor or ministry leaders for help only to find they misunderstood/misdiagnosed the problem
What Is Domestic Violence IBCD Pre-Conference
Pastor Chris spoke at the Institute for Biblical Counseling and Discipleship pre-conference in June of 2017. Here is the recording of the session entitled What is Domestic Violence.
Not a Marriage Problem
Not a Marriage Problem
“I don’t see the harm in sitting down with the couple to get the whole story.”
“That’s great Chris, but when can we begin marriage counseling?”
“How long before they can move back in together?”
These are just a few examples of the kinds of things I’ve heard over the years from pastors and ministry leaders who have come to me for help and assistance with a case in their ministry involving abuse. Many have been resistant to my recommendations to delay marriage counseling and feel pressure to focus attention on the marriage. The truth is domestic abuse is not a marriage problem, it’s a heart problem. Therefore, marriage-focused solutions may do more harm than good in cases of domestic abuse. Rushing a resolution could prove damaging and even deadly in cases of domestic abuse. While there remains some debate regarding the value of marriage counseling in an abusive situation most believe that marriage counseling endangers the victim through, often unintended, but real consequences. For instance, couples suffering in the midst of family abuse often have nonverbal cues or key words that have hidden meaning. Men who are driven by control and eager to manipulate may use the counseling room as a tool to control while (seemingly) humble or portraying themselves as a victim. Therefore, hurried marriage-focused solutions may endanger one party and ultimately undermine the long-term success of the marriage we are desperately trying to save. One way to view this issue is to imagine the reconciliation process like a hurdle race at a track and field event. While each hurdle must be cleared by the runner he or she is bound by the rules to clear them in order. They cannot skip hurdle one to attempt to clear hurdle five without suffering disqualification. In much the same way, I am suggesting that our first obstacle is the abuse; not communication, not nagging, and not even the marriage. Our first objective is to end the abuse. Then we are free to traverse the next obstacle on the way to reconciliation. I understand, to some degree, why we are quick to pursue marriage counseling. We are comfortable with marriage counseling. We’ve been equipped to provide marriage counseling. And the Bible has a great deal to say about marriage. Since domestic abuse often occurs in the context of marriage that seems like the proper context in which to address it. I’m in no way suggesting that domestic abuse and marriage are unrelated. Certainly, it has devastating effects on the marriage relationship but I must stress and urge us to accept that domestic abuse is, in fact, a problem beginning in the heart of an abuser.
Final Thought
We would never suggest that a child abuser simply needs classes on Biblical parenting because the act of abuse occurred in the context of a parent/child relationship. No! We would want to comfort the victim by addressing the child’s suffering. We would, in accordance with state law, want to confront the abuser, and offer them the gospel, accountability, and correction for their sin. In much the same way the church should determine to comfort those who suffer from the terror and harm of domestic abuse and address the heart of the abuser. I firmly believe that the most effective means of reducing abuse against women is addressing the hearts of men.